I've been feeling a little lame lately and didn't want to blog lameness, so that's the explanation for my absence.
But boy, I've been reading, and I think reading good books makes me a little awesome-er sometimes. Nathan and I discussed parenting books last night. Maybe as a regular reader of marriage and parenting books, I'm grasping empty little tips and ideas when all I really need to do is remember the gospel.
I keep searching for the right formula so I can say I have found the key to softening a child's heart and making them love Jesus and others, and ultimately leading them to exhibit glowing and wonderful behavior.
Actually, I think regularly reading good, grace-centered parenting books helps me to be reminded of my goal each day. I'm a better parent while going through that book.
Sooooo. I've been reading Give them Grace. I'm about halfway through and I'd say get your grain of salt and enjoy the basic message. It's actually pretty great, aside from a few of her ideas that might furrow your brow.
What I've taken away so far:
From the first moment that my first child showed me disrespect, disobedience, fit-throwing (you know, all that unacceptable stuff), the first thing that rose up in me was the need to train her, put her in her place, make her righteous, and fix that unacceptable problem. How helpful of me.
She was 6 months old and so mad, I think with good reason. Her mom was too "righteous".
What I failed to understand about the gospel was that I needed it just as much as my baby. As soon as we lose compassion for their struggle with sin and have more self-righteous indignation than we do understanding, I believe we've essentially severed that relationship momentarily.
When I communicate with my coldness that I can't believe my child is behaving...like a child, and I don't approach her with compassion for her struggle, I'm communicating that I don't sympathize because I've got my sin under control and I'm exasperated that she's not there yet.
So, when 7-year-old Riley shocks and me by spitting some hateful words and punching her sister, the self-righteous part of me wants to rise up and fix that quickly. Swift discipline to shock her into understanding how horrid her behavior was. Not only does that sever our relationship, but it does the opposite of helping her to repent.
She needs me to wrap my arms around her and have understanding for how hard it is to have patience with persistently annoying sisters, because I lose my patience all the time. I know I need a Savior just like Riley needs Him. As soon as she sees that I'm not judging her and I approach her with compassion, I see her heart melting and true repentance.
It's hard not to feel loads of guilt when I fail at this and just swiftly discipline the behavior without compassion for her struggle. Because then I do see her heart grow harder and feel a great loss at thinking I'm driving her further from her Savior. But repentance on my part after my explosion or lack of patience will show that I'm right there with her in the struggle. We can pray together and both ask for God's help.
And I remind myself that I won't save my kids. I can do my best and fail and then be a recipient of His grace right along with them. He'll do the magic work on their hearts whether I'm a screamer or a hugger.
He can use our failures as a means to bless.
Now isn't that inspiring? :)
3 comments:
I'm glad the book has been encouraging for you too! I'm still processing it all, but am finding it to be such a relief that I'm "partners in grace" with them. My whole family is going to mess this up, which is why we need Jesus. It makes salvation so much sweeter when I realize what I'm saved from rather than taking the self-righteous approach. Now to keep that mindset! Loved your thoughts!
Wow, good thoughts. I can see truth in that for sure. I was talking to my classmates about discipline yesterday and we were talking about both kids and dogs and how if you're not speaking in their language you're just confusing and upsetting or even abusing them, depending on what you're doing. I slapped Leo on the nose the other day because some people told me that's what I should do when he tries to jump up. But it really broke my heart and made Leo really sad too and he was more confused and would jump around me like, "I dont know why you hit me so I'm going to start nipping at you!" And that wasn't the response I was going for. So I gave him a hug and further confused him I'm sure. I think I just need to "bite" him with my hand in the future, because that's a dog language. Anyway, I agree that we have to communicate with kids in grace because that's our human language, which is life giving. And having a self-righteous, cold heart makes them want to act like Leo and be afraid of you or bite at you.
I'm going to call you when I have kids. I told a friend of mine (jokingly) "this is why I'm going to brainwash my kids!!" and I don't remember what "this" is referring to, but... it's a little true. I think I'm hoping I can make my kids the awesome thing I wish I could be.
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