I'm so torn

I'm entering this new phase of life, where 3 of my 4 girls are going off to school.  On top of this, we are considering the lack of sibling play Lola will have and thinking about a one-day-a-week preschool for her.  

It's funny how this is the thing I've longed for for years and years.  Not to get rid of all my kids, but to actually have a set-aside time where I could run errands, paint something, sew something, try on shoes somewhere...you know, all the awesome stuff that is so hard to do when you have a screamer or a runner to keep ahold of the whole time.  Now my runner will be in Kindergarten and my screamer may be giving me a day off.  

This is Lola wearing bracelet Kate made her. :)

But the whole idea just breaks my heart.  I would feel guilty passing my baby off to someone who doesn't love her and won't hug her as often as she needs and make her feel secure.  Someone who won't fully appreciate every word that comes out of her adorable mouth, tuck back her stray masses of hair, and marvel at her genius wit.  I'd be giving up precious hours that I should stare at her, read to her, and treasure her young days while I still have them.  I guess I have the same guilt over not home schooling the other girls and keeping them with me to speak truth to them, touch them, smile at them...

On the other hand, Lola would probably love and enjoy playing with other 2 and 3-yd-olds.  It's only one day.  I would finally be able to go to the school and help in the girls' classes and eat lunch with them.  I could also plan to help others on that day that I normally wouldn't be free to do.  

I could just get myself used to a life with kids at school; slowly train myself to go outside the walls of my house and become a helpful citizen who is free to serve and work in areas outside of my home and family.  I'll still have cooking and cleaning to do.  

I was telling Zach just a few days ago that if I'm not careful I'll just have a really clean house and plenty of prepared food.  It's what I love to do and I could just devote more time to that.  He was horrified with me and we had a good laugh.

I go from one extreme to the other.  Crying while I do dishes and listen to the girls play, or getting very excited about a list of things I'd love to do if I had the opportunity.  

I go Tuesday to look at the preschool.  I could just get used to having Kate gone for for a little bit before I sign Lola up.  We'll see...

What do you all say?  What should I do with my life as I become a free-er lady?