Learning Joy

We've recently finished up a sweet time at another church that we were helping to plant.  This sweet time took us away from our church of 10 years for a short time.  But we're back now and I was struck by something that someone said to me once we returned to our old church.  It was said in all kindness, with kind eyes and a kind smile, but the truth of it made me say "Thank you" and almost cry at the same time.

They said, "You must be getting more sleep than you used to."  I was a little confused, but smiled and said, "Well yes, I think I am.  At least, we sleep through the night most nights."  And then they said, "I just realized that Amanda is funny and kind, and I really like her."  Which goes without saying that before I must have been  un-funny, un-kind, and un-liked.  It was weird, but we smiled and I said, "Yes, I guess sleep makes a difference."  Telling myself, "Don't cry.  Don't cry."

It reminds me of what I used to be and shows me God really is at work in me.  I couldn't really go into a big long talk with this certain person about pain, depression, or the real cause of anything that made me un-bubbly the past few years, or the past 10 years.  But the rest of the day I wanted to go back and say things to defend myself.  This person has never experienced what I had, and couldn't have understood where I was those years, with the chemical imbalances that come with being pregnant, freshly un-pregnant, or living with a pile of babies around you, or with whatever chemical imbalances come with being Amanda Weber. :)

Nor did this person know any of the circumstances that have come like waves of the ocean, washing over us, maybe washing us into the depths for a while, and then washing us back on shore, grown, healed up, more grateful, maybe more untrusting, but more sure of the goodness of Christ, and His great love.  But I just nodded my head and agree that sleep is helpful.  All the while knowing Christ is what has changed me.  As I realize this, my defensiveness changes to gratefulness.

Also, I know that our church plant changed me.  It's good to be in a place where you're needed a lot, not just working in the nursery or singing a song.  But it's such a small family, just beginning, and we all need to care for each other.  I guess we got more practiced and purposeful at relationship building.  It's also a confidence builder to be plopped into a place that is a little more out of your comfort zone.

I'm not a natural hugger, but someone kept making a point to hug me.  And I became (a little) more of a hugger. :)  I don't normally say, "Hallelujah!" out loud, but someone kept saying it and wanted me to say it with them, and it was a good practice.  It was a sweet place that taught me joy.

So, I guess I'm growing up. :) I've always felt like I was a little girl who was trying to be a mom, and needed someone to hold her hand through it.  And when you stay in a place for 10 years, it's hard not to just always be what people expect you to be.  It's hard to change if you stay there.  Know what I mean?

So, I guess I'm excited that I've changed.  I'm sad that I was ever un-funny or un-whatever.  The truth is, I was a scared little girl half the time.  Some of you all know that, because I had dinner with you and said, "Am I terrible?"  And you said, "No.  You're wonderful and you'll be okay."  I didn't believe you then. :)  But thank you for your kinds words.  I held onto them, hopeful, and I think I believe you now.

I've always had to be purposeful about getting joy; getting a grateful heart.  I regret that a lot of the years that my girls had rolls of chub and drool, they were precious, but I despaired that I was chained to them.  I let exhaustion overwhelm me.  I couldn't figure out how to be the mom who didn't go insane.  It's not that I never smiled.  There was just always a sigh under the smile.

It's just a fact that life can get hard, and you may not smile as much as people want you to.  Or you grow up slow, and confidence comes late.  Whatever it is.  I'm grateful Christ doesn't leave us in a season of sighing and fearfulness.  He shows us His goodness over and over, and eventually you believe it more and more.  And then your heart really worships, and people see it.

And I just want you to know that if it's hard for you to find joy, I know that healing takes a long time, but it does come, even if it's slow in coming.  Practicing and pursuing joy is a good thing.  It feels weird and maybe forced at first, but then it becomes who you are, and that's exciting.